Wait, wait, hold on, hold on right there. Wait, wait, wait...
- What? - Shh!
Is that... I think I felt it move.
No, you didn't.
Okay, I'm only seven weeks pregnant.
Babies don't start moving until, like, the fifth month.
Maybe other people's babies don't, but see, already Batman's different.
Stop calling it that.
But it's a family... It's not a family name.
All right.
Okay. I stopped the newspaper. I packed for both of us.
This one just says, "Remember..."
Oh, I got to change the outgoing message.
Let me get that. Thank you.
Hi, you have reached Sam and Mel.
We won't be here this week. We will be at her parents' house
to celebrate her father's 65th birthday
and to tell them that we're getting married.
And I've impregnated their daughter out of wedlock,
which I am sure they'll be thrilled about,
since they already hate me.
They don't hate you.
I flooded their house, Mel, I'm starting to think,
"Oh, maybe that wasn't such a good call."
Okay, yes, but it's been repaired and all is forgiven...
...ish.
See, that doesn't help.
Well, maybe you'd be less nervous if you came out with me this morning.
Skip your office party.
I'd love to, baby, but I'm the assistant editor at the magazine.
And iPod DJ tonight. Two very revered positions.
And, by the way, I'm not that nervous about meeting your parents.
Yeah, you seem good.
Okay, remember, get there by 9:00 and we'll tell them after dessert.
My mom made her cherry pie.
You know, I actually don't like pie.
I find myself to be more of a cake guy.
Oh, it's my dad. Where's the phone?
It's your dad? I didn't delete the answering machine.
Oh, Sam! Need to find that bad!
You've got to put that back on the dock.
The dock is there for a reason.
It recharges it and we've got to find it.
Couch! Couch, couch.
Answer it! Get it!
Dick!
Hey! It's Sam! How are you?
Sam.
Mel's friend. Yeah.
We're really looking forward to seeing... Huh?
Okay, I'll put her on the phone for you.
Hey, Dad! No, the...
He loves me.
...an old guy.
Whatever, man.
Hey, hon.
How's the party?
Oh, filled with party people.
Why don't you come out here early? You could be here for dinner.
Oh, I thought of that, actually,
but we made a plan to meet for dessert. Remember?
And after you make a plan, it's a mistake to deviate. So...
Hi, Sam.
Hey! Oh, thanks.
Who's that? - Nobody, honey.
Okay, Sam, listen to me. You know I think it's super cute
when you don't realize girls are flirting with you.
- No, no, they're... - Honey, no one's flirting with anybody.
No, no, Nicky.
But I need you to know that tonight's really important.
So just don't be late. No, stop.
Um, it's not late. No one's gonna be late.
Mel? Mel?
Well, I've finally finished preparing the goose for Dad's birthday dinner.
And all that's left now is two days of brining.
Which some people might find interesting.
I said to your mother, "All I want for my birthday
"is a nice steak with my family."
So she invited 60 people and got right to work on a goose.
Oh, you're gonna love it. We're having a roast tonight.
And I'm really proud of my pie.
Mel, you okay?
Uh, yeah, Dad, I'm fine.
Was that your friend on the phone?
Did he upset you?
No, Dad. I love my friend.
And maybe, since I've been with him for two years now,
you can stop calling him my friend
and try welcoming him into your home.
And we do, dear. Of course we do.
We like your friend very much.
Right, Dick? Mmm-hmm.
Mel, you're not picking up your cell.
I'm on my way to the train station. Right on schedule.
Can't wait to dig into your mom's cherry pie.
And that's not a dirty... I'm sorry. I love you.
Sammy!
Nicky, are you sure you should be driving?
Are you kidding me? This car basically drives itself.
Really, Nick...
Hi.
We're actually making two stops.
I just had a naughty thought.
Uh, listen, Nicky...
Whoa, wow! That is naughty.
I know. God.
Um, thank you. That's very flattering.
And a teensy bit degrading for both of us, actually.
But, uh, I'm about to be engaged.
Oh, I feel sick.
No, don't. Hey, you're a great gal.
This is... Mel and I are just kind of perfect for each other.
And, you know, love is a...
This car is my place of business.
How would you like it if I came to vomit at your place of business?
You're... That's a great... It'd be difficult at mine
'cause there's a security guy. You'd have to check in.
Look... Where are you going?
Sir, you cannot leave this scene.
That is against a liveried man's code.
Have you no code, sir?
Come on, Mel, pick up.
Okay, it's just like two or... It's like six miles. You got it from here?
Really?
Oh, my God! What're you doing?
No! I was looking for a towel. A towel! Get out!
Get out! Don't Mace me, no!
Sam, I'm not your whore! Who do you think I am? Get out!
Look, you threw up on me in the car and I was trying to...
Get out! I thought you were a gentleman.
I am a gentleman! Get out! Get out!
I know tai chi. No, no, no.
Get out! You better get out right now. No, no, no.
No! That's not... That is not your bear.
Nicky, come on.
I'm calling the police!
Mel.
Hey, Dick. Hi.
Uh, happy birthday, by the way.
Dick, who is it?
It's Mel's friend Sam in a giant plastic diaper.
Dick, can I borrow $80?
It's for the cab. I was, um...
I left my wallet in my other diaper.
Sam?
Hello, Angela. How are you? Good to... Good to see...
No? Okay.
Sam?
Hey, everybody's up.
Are you okay? Where are your clothes?
Uh, long story.
I had to share a cab.
Don't tell me with that girl who was flirting with you.
No, no. It was with a guy.
Mick. Mick?
Mick. He's a security guard
at my place of business, and he was absolutely hammered.
I would not let him drive.
So... I guess I'll pay the cab.
Thank you, Dick.
What is that?
Oh, anyways, Mick, he threw up on me in the cab.
Oh... I know. Yuck.
So I had to go to his place, take a shower...
And what, he had nothing for you to wear?
Nothing my size. He's a dwarf.
Your security guard is a dwarf?
Yeah, I would not mess with him, though, he's vicious.
A vicious dwarf vomited on Sam, Dick.
Is that right?
Anyone mind if I made a quick jaunt to the restroom?
Oh, sure, yeah. The powder room's to the right.
Okey-dokey.
- Oh, not again. - Sorry.
No, Sam. It's not your fault. The power goes out all the time.
Hasn't been the same since the flood.
I have some experience with electricity stuff.
I got it.
Okay.
Sam!
Oh! Oh, I thought it was the powder room. I thought it was the powder room.
I thought it was the powder room. Oh, my goodness!
You urinated on my goose!
You can wash it off. Urinated on my goose!
It's a five-second rule.
Oh, my God!
Sam! Sam! Oh, my goose!
Oh, I'm so sorry, Angela.
Oh! Angela, something's wrong with that trip switch.
Dick, be careful. Sam's urine.
Dad!
Dick.
Hey, baby.
I came up with a plan.
Mmm-hmm?
So today, first of all, I'm gonna be on my best behavior.
I mean, I may be pulling out chairs for your mom, opening doors,
and then tonight at dinner, we'll tell them.
Hmm. Think you'll be on time for dinner?
And I deserve that. Mel, I've apologized a lot.
I know. And I'm just...
I'm very sensitive right now.
So I just need to know that you're okay.
No, look, hey, I've lived here my whole life
and I still get lost in this house.
I'm always peeing in places that aren't bathrooms.
Mel... Oh, once I pooped in the laundry room.
I'm gonna punch you in the face.
Oh, I was joking about the punching in the face.
Oh, that's very funny.
In context, if you would have seen...
Yes, explain to me the context in which punching my daughter in the face is funny.
Dad, how are you?
He has a concussion.
The hospital wanted to keep him another night,
but your father is so stubborn...
Darling, I'm fine.
And I haven't missed the annual Bar Council luncheon in 30 years
and I'm not missing this one.
I'm just gonna rinse the urine out of my hair and I'll be off.
Oh, God, it makes me nervous,
him out and about after such a big fall.
He is a stubborn old coot.
Oh, that reminds me. Come.
I'm out.
Okay. You, too, Sam.
Oh!
Good God!
It's his birthday present.
Do you love it?
It's by the same man who does all the portraits of the Presidents.
He's been working on it for over a year and he said it's his masterpiece.
Dad looks very stern.
Yeah, I know. Which he can be.
Hmm.
But do you see that little gleam in his eye?
Your father is playful, too.
And that's what a good portrait does.
It gives the whole sense of a person.
When you move, his eyes go with you.
It's creep... It's a beautiful picture of him.
Whoa!
Nice and easy, Judge Clayton.
I just was dizzy.
If I could just lie down for a second, I think I'll be fine.
All right, all right. Take him in the back.
Thank you.
Oh, yes, this will be fine.
Oh, yes. Thank you.
Hello? Mel? Angela, uh, Mrs. Clayton?
Phone is ringing quite a bit.
Hello. Clayton residence.
Hello, this is Hewitt's, the undertakers.
Is Mrs. Clayton in?
She is not.
Uh, maybe I can... What can I do you for?
We've got Judge Clayton down here.
I'm afraid he collapsed in the street.
No, no, no... He's fine. I just saw him a half hour ago.
Yes, well, uh, we put him in the back room.
Oh, my God.
Hopefully you can get down here as soon as possible?
And I guess he was too lazy...
Sam.
Is everything all right?
That was Hewitt's on the phone.
The undertaker?
They've got Dick. He collapsed in the street.
I don't understand.
Dick's dead.
Thank you, Martin. I'm feeling much better.
Hate to rush, but I don't wanna miss my train.
But Judge Clayton, someone's coming to get you.
I'm so sorry, Mel.
We never even got to tell him about the baby.
I know.
If it's a boy, I want to name him Dick.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, it's definitely something we can talk about.
I was thinking maybe we should tell her about the baby.
Yeah. Might be some good news right now.
Stupid Sam! Your stupid urine all over the floor!
You killed him. You killed Dick.
Or maybe we'll wait...
Yeah. ...on that.
All right, you know what, I'm going to go to the undertaker's.
I'm gonna take care of all the paperwork.
Thank you. Okay.
Have you ever identified a body before?
It can be pretty unsettling.
No, I think I'm just supposed to sign something.
No, no, no. Body has to be ID'd.
Are you squeamish around dead bodies?
Well, here's a secret. I am, too.
"So, why'd you take this job?" You ask.
I didn't ask.
I don't know. I was just hanging out with my cousin who was studying to be a chef.
Now that seems like a fun job, right?
All those good smells in the kitchen, mmm! Delicious.
So, is this him?
Yep. No.
Really?
All right, well, guess we'll have to look at this one, too. Yay!
It's got to be this one here. Hold on.
Oh, God! Wow! Wow! Wow!
Sometimes you see things like that. I'm really sorry.
That's not him, either. Come on, man.
I'm gonna have to answer that phone real quick. I'll be right back. Okay?
I think that might be him. Why don't you check this one out?
Hey, man. So, is that him?
Yeah. These are... These are his glasses.
Cool.
He loved these little birds.
He knew every one by the sound of its voice.
Such a sweet, sweet man.
It's done. Here's his...
I told them we'd call later with all the funeral arrangements and everything.
Your brother.
It's nearly midnight in Nairobi, we need to call him.
I can't bear another conversation. You call David.
Oh, God. No, Mom, I don't think I can.
Sam, would you?
What?
Really? That's not a good idea,
because he does not know me and I don't know him. It would be very weird.
But, yes, of course.
David? David Clayton?
Hi, this is Sam Briggs. I'm your sister Mel's boyfriend.
Mel, Melanie.
Hi. I look forward to meeting you, too.
Uh, what... This is a really bad connection, so...
You know what, actually, before we start chatting,
I have some very bad news about your father.
Your father. Yeah. Uh, well,
he's passed on.
He's passed away.
No... He's dead.
No, no, no, no, no. He's dead!
Your... Your daddy's dead! He died!
He's dead!
Sam, what are you doing?
He's on his cell phone. It's really bad coverage.
Will you go to town and get my mom some more Valium?
This pharmacy closes in, like, 15 minutes.
David, can you hear me? It's Mel.
Are you...
Dick?
Dick, you're alive? You're alive! You're alive!
Oh!
Angela!
Angela, I got Dick.
Look what I found.
Sam.
It's Dick. He's here.
Take him back.
What?
Take my husband's body back to the undertaker.
Oh, no, he lives here. Take him back, you sick, sick, sick, sick, sick,
sick, sick... What's going on?
Mel!
They're fine.
They actually kind of laughed about it. It was a quiet laughter.
You kinda had to stand like this to hear it.
Oh, come on. No, no come on.
I'm actually starting to wonder if something's wrong with me.
Seriously, what happens to me when I get around these people?
You're nervous.
But the only thing that matters is that I love you.
And we're having a baby, and the three of us,
we're going to live happily ever after.
You know what, you're right. I'm good. I'm a good guy.
There we go. All right.
And if that's not good enough for your dad, then too bad.
Yeah. Hmm. I'm a little turned on right now.
You know what, I'm not even the one that should feel bad about this, he is.
Yeah, absolutely.
Oh, wait, for slipping on your pee or getting hit by your car?
For making me feel uncomfortable. Come on.
We're going to tell them about the baby.
Now, just hold on a second. I will tell them right now,
but wouldn't it be nice if you could do something,
like maybe even something little that would erase
what happened today from their minds?
Yes, that's a great idea.
Cleanse the palate. Let's do it.
What? Um...
Oh!
God, thank you.
This is crazy. I've got it, Dick.
It's not... I said I've got it, Dick!
Okay. Oh, jeez.
Uh, whatever. What am I going to do, make the power go more out?
What! Yes! Ah! What did I do? Yes!
Yes! What? What?
What, are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?
Oh, please, no. Please, no. Please, no.
Lights are on, honey. You're my hero.